I Feel Human, I Feel Scared than I am Alone …

Summer sleds… Kid’s bobsled version, which ever you want to call this, it is a metal half pipe. Set on a slop, with many sharp turns and good proliferation of the curve. You sit on a wiggly looking, plastic skateboard holding an illusion of a break-acceleration stick… And you roll down the slope, picking up speed. Nothing experimentally dangerous. one needs to get used to the idea of being safe…

    EDIT: {As much I would like to blame the huge break in posting things online on “the hunter” (inside joke) or one of my ex girlfriends, money sharks or my bookie Benny, I can’t.  The delay…  well, let me start at the beginning.

    The date is wrong, this entry was constructed about mid-September.  Reason for the traffic jam of postings is my shortage of words.  There is this issue I am having with existence.  There is this lack of companionship that is getting to me.  There is the lack of people I can connect to.  I feel as if I should explain the reason later and for this entry look into what made me put it here in the first place.}  Here is what I wrote back in August…  I’m not happy with it, but after couple dozens of revisions I still don’t know how to say it.  So this is the most coherent fragment of the thirty some pages I written since then

    […] So how does one deal with constant fear and uneasiness?  There is only couple people that I get to connect with.  There is only few moments every month, year that I forget about the brutality of sameness of everyday.  What if those moments of serenity are running out?  I looked at the vacationing people around me today.  This is worry some that they consider me one of them, but I would not make that choice if asked.

    I have two arms and two legs.  I have a heart, but I feel as if for the most part it is stalled or pumping my blood the other way.  Most things I see are not seen by others.  Most things I look at, most ignore.  Most decisions I try to make are cold calculations (I got a stalled heart)…  I’m missing the warmth of blood flow.  The red-blooded people of this world are not cutting it for me…  […]