… Version 0.2a

… We all start with nothing but an idea or need. Back in the good old days I wanted a hammock… But I lived in a studio on the 29th floor… But I really needed a place to relax…

Couple screws, a bracket and some ninja-stealth drilling … loads of dust, vacuumed carpet, and a headache later I was sitting 6 inches of the floor!

Although this-something made medieval cages look comfortable… It was mine and it was glorious!

I Feel Human, I Feel Scared than I am Alone …

Summer sleds… Kid’s bobsled version, which ever you want to call this, it is a metal half pipe. Set on a slop, with many sharp turns and good proliferation of the curve. You sit on a wiggly looking, plastic skateboard holding an illusion of a break-acceleration stick… And you roll down the slope, picking up speed. Nothing experimentally dangerous. one needs to get used to the idea of being safe…

    EDIT: {As much I would like to blame the huge break in posting things online on “the hunter” (inside joke) or one of my ex girlfriends, money sharks or my bookie Benny, I can’t.  The delay…  well, let me start at the beginning.

    The date is wrong, this entry was constructed about mid-September.  Reason for the traffic jam of postings is my shortage of words.  There is this issue I am having with existence.  There is this lack of companionship that is getting to me.  There is the lack of people I can connect to.  I feel as if I should explain the reason later and for this entry look into what made me put it here in the first place.}  Here is what I wrote back in August…  I’m not happy with it, but after couple dozens of revisions I still don’t know how to say it.  So this is the most coherent fragment of the thirty some pages I written since then

    […] So how does one deal with constant fear and uneasiness?  There is only couple people that I get to connect with.  There is only few moments every month, year that I forget about the brutality of sameness of everyday.  What if those moments of serenity are running out?  I looked at the vacationing people around me today.  This is worry some that they consider me one of them, but I would not make that choice if asked.

    I have two arms and two legs.  I have a heart, but I feel as if for the most part it is stalled or pumping my blood the other way.  Most things I see are not seen by others.  Most things I look at, most ignore.  Most decisions I try to make are cold calculations (I got a stalled heart)…  I’m missing the warmth of blood flow.  The red-blooded people of this world are not cutting it for me…  […]

Five Starts, Room for Two and All Expensive Paid

Di-bed, gorgeous bathroom, safe in the closet, amazing view from the balcony, swimming pool, dry and wet saunas, beauty spa, well stocked bar and a decent restaurant all in a veil of five star hotel in the mountains. There is me feet up, watching something in the TV taking it all in… It is a weird feeling to be put suddenly in a environment were the packaging becomes important.

    From home cooked dinners and cozy, tight and tucked corners I found myself sitting in a relatively spacious room.  Room for two and yet I am alone.  My family took me out for a treat.  I have been invited to spend some time with my aunt, uncle and my niece.  Drive was long, but far from boring.

    There is something about that part of my family I’m still curious about.  They seem eccentric in some ways and yet they feel real.  They are like any other part of my family, they are weird in their own way (compliment).  Today I seen a human side of my uncle, just like my dad I consider him to be a Titan in the least, today I was reminded of him being human.  It is a interesting feeling to realize that some of the things that have been stuck in your memory need some adjustment.

    From what I see on the drive up, looks like the best hotel around.  It has an amazing view, plenty of glass, smiling staff and no visible price tags.  The room is clean and decently ordered, master light switch and a safe in the closet.  Yet I feel uneasy.  All seems to … and dreamy would be a wrong word choice.  Unreal?

    This should be an interesting part of my Euro-vacation.  Some time after arriving I started looking forward to diner.  Hate to admit, but a warm meal helps me to think and to relax.  The food was nice, and served well.  Of course, I have no clue how to actually behave.  I remember some etiquette, but one is a book or a lecture, something completely different is there-now moment.  All I got from my home is: “If you don’t know how to behave, behave decently and respectfully.”.  One of the best lessons, so hard to apply.

    The internet is down and it seems I will not access to it for a while.  I am tired, sleepy.  It has been a long day and tomorrow we are to be up and early.  I still remember walking into a hotel in Germany, very long time ago, seeing glass elevators for the first time.  Feeling lost, not knowing what to think or how to behave…  Hiking boots and backpack, a mac laptop, Nikon camera, toothbrush and a smile on my face…  I think, I am ready.  Bring it on!

The Smile, The barkeep and “The” White Russian

There is a movie theater in Warsaw, in a building called “Golden Terrace”, this movie theater seems to aim at the getting richer populations with bars at every level and “selective entrance” clubs etc. Much of its looks seems tacky and expensive. I doubt anyone who actually looks would be impressed, but non the less I’m looking out a window on the top floor. The dots are curious…

    When you tired of life…  The current “status quo” is being too much.  When you are hungry for a scenery change, is showing up at a bar or at the movie theater alone problematic?  Movies, well you didn’t have anyone to go with, go stood up or something else.  You are still human, with those little problems most of us have.  You will get looks but its dark and so who cares?

    The bar is problematic on the other hand, in my humble opinion that is.  One should not drink alone.  It is a decent rule which I try to obey, with more and less successful days.  Here is where the whole thing gains a whole new gray scale.  What if the bar is empty?

    We all start feeling like strangers when we are surrounded by masses, we feel alone.  When the population density sinks, we find ourselves making any connection we can.  We make eye contact with people in empty train charts and restaurants.  We don’ want to be alone and we do not want to fight to be saved.

    I happened to be lucky this evening.  Bar was empty.  We had something in common, barkeeper and I, couple day back I have left a pile of “cranes” on one of the tables.  There was chit-chat and talks, rarely interrupted by random orders of other people.  She was warm, positive, straightforward and really, really pretty.

    What stroke me the most in her was the warmth.  That constant smile.  There is something about people that are positive that have honest smiles.  Smiles which if not displayed on their lips are visible in their eyes.  Although, as usual I made a fool of myself, I felt connected, I felt safe, I felt relaxed.

    My drink, if I can name it that way, is a white russian.  Relatively simple to make, with only three ingredient and yet I drunk only couple made right (according to my humble taste).  Not only was she very interesting and peculiar (complements) as a person and a warm human but she made the little pleasure I came to seek in hopes of my bettering life layered, proportioned and totally perfect.